Robin Williams

I hope this amazing man is finally at peace. I'm writing today for the people who don't understand Depression. For the people who are saying mean and horrible things about him. Depression is, in a word, vicious. Every day hearing from the one person who is supposed to be lifting you up, all the negative things about yourself,in a scream.Having the amazing things in your life and not being able to see that because all you hear, is the anger and the negative things just hollered and echoed through your head, day in and day out. Spend one day, shoot fifteen minutes, and tell yourself nothing but horrible things. Tell yourself your ugly, fat, worthless, going no where, that no one loves you or cares about anything you do. That no one would care if you vanished. No one would notice if you where gone, their lives would still go on without a tear shed. Why would they? Because your nothing. Your worse then nothing. No one is going to love you. Your going to spend your life alone, wishing and praying for a love that is never for you. When you go out with your friends you see other people and how happy they are. The girl sitting over there is glancing your way and you KNOW she's thinking "What are those people doing with her? She's not worth their time. Look at her? All fat and ugly. God look at that face. Why does she come out in public? Fat cow. Look at her eating that? Like she needs another meal. HUH Can I get you a shovel?" Mean while your friends are sitting around you and your smiling, acting like your having a great time. Everything is fine and they have no idea. No idea that you want to vanish in the background, fade through the wall, and just silently vanish. All these things, coming from YOURSELF. The one person that is always supposed to have your back. The one you rely on to get up and go to work in the morning. To hate yourself more then anything in this world, it's unbearable. Living in this unbearable world day in and day out is the hardest thing to do. You don't want to wake up in the morning. You want to stay in your slumber. Medications don't always mean a fix. Sometimes they do nothing. It's still the same. Maybe the voice talking to you is slightly quieter. Not so viscous. But it's still there. Everywhere you go. Everything you do. It's there. Day in and day out. So to all those people who are thinking horrible things about him, or any one that suffers daily, if you don't know, don't judge. Don't be that person. The person who makes their feelings seem more valid. Instead be the person that has sympathy for the family. Be the person that wishes them peace, even if they have done the unthinkable. I wish everyone the peace they deserve. Five minutes, fifteen minutes, then a day, a month, a year. And most of all I hope all those that suffered and only found one way to end it, The peace they deserve in the worse way. May your afterlife be filled with all the wonderful things you should have been saying to yourself, and all the wonderful things you should have experienced. Feel the love that was there for you when you could only feel the negative. And know the most precious to you will be with you soon.

The dark void

Lately I've been in a dark void. Feeling like life isn't going to change. No job, no child support (not a surprise really), a endless cycle of feeling alone, unable to take care of my child, and just completely worthless. Missing things that are important to the people in my life because I can't afford to do them. Just living in a small black void, falling farther and farther down with each application in and no call for a interview. Finally things start falling into place, I get a job for a few days of the week, not the best job but a job. I find a place. A nice place for Sage and I. And I have these amazing neighbors. People who are willing to help those who need it. Without asking for anything in return. Life is starting to look good. With things looking up for a change I'm realizing that while I was in a void, I choice how far, and how dark the void is. You may be in a place where there is hopelessness and despair, but only you can see the light at the top. Only you have control of how far away the top is. While working where I am is FAR from my dream job, it's a job. It's a place where I can say, yes I'm in the damn void. But I can reach my hand up and grab the edge and get myself out. By taking a job that is 'beneath' me and taking it one day at a time. So I want to take this moment to say to all of you that feel they are in the void, keep your hand up. Reach for that ledge. Just do what you have to do for the moment and take it one day at a time. It will get much better. When your down the only way you can go is up. Period.

Reality of small towns

People move to small towns to raise their kids. They think things are going to be safer then in big cities. 

Man is that sadly untrue. 

Two days ago, here in the little town where I live, there was a drive by. Like a car drove down the street and a man shot another man out the window. 

Not that that's not bad enough, but this was on a street where children where leaving their after school activities at the community center. 

Bad enough you are going to kill someone, or try to, over I don't even care what. But now your brining little kids into this. Innocent lives. There is nothing that can account for that.

So as a parent from a small town, I say two things: 

One: small cities aren't always better then bigger cities. 

Two: keep your crazy to yourself. Don't bring innocent children into it. I hope the damn cops find you and throw the keys away. 

Temp Work

Currently Big Momma is working a temp job at a local college and I'm feeling old as hell. 

All these smart, young, cute and bouncy college kids all over. Talking about parties and all nighters. Lol makes me feel old because Lil Momma and I go to bed at 7:30 to wake up at 6:30. Lol 

Mommy time

Sitting here enjoying my Mommy time. It's quiet and it's just me, being...... Kinda to quite. Hehehe 

A day of reality

So as I sit here on my Momma Time, watching "Dawsons Creek" (lol my favorite show from my teenage days)I realize that with a child added not much has changed from when I was younger. I still want to be Joey and I still haven't found my soul mate. I use to sit at home and watch Joey struggle with her love for Dawson, first season, and think god I want to love someone as much as Joey loves him. And then watch him gradually realize that Joey was the one for him. Of course as the seasons add and they grow feelings change. It's the way it goes. But I'm realizing that I'm sitting here, alone, wishing for love the same as I was all those years ago. Insert a huge, deep sigh. Does this mean that I haven't grown any? That I'm still the hopeless teenager who dreams of a romantic man coming and sweeping me off my feet. That I haven't realized that no matter how many shows I watch, or movies for that matter, NO ONE is coming. But what IF someone is coming. Just not when I'm in my 20's (clearly now that they have passed)like expected. Is it bad to hold hope? Sometimes I think it is. That I'm teaching Little Momma that you need a man to be happy. Realistically I know that's not the case. I'm very happy with my life. And I'm teaching her that she makes her happiness. That the Prince doesn't need to save her, she can save herself. But do I wish there was a man to share that with, sometimes. Sometimes I think about how different things would be. I wouldn't be happier, cause I make my happiness. But sometimes I find myself thinking. Maybe that's the danger. Thinking to much.

Love Life

Today is a great day. It may be in the negative temperatures with the windchill but it been amazing. My beautiful daughter has cleaned the house (at 7 years old mind you) and is walking around and singing. She's a her Momma's moves. :) I'm enjoying watching her shake it to the radio and sing. Can't believe she's going to be 8 in a few short weeks. I sit her and wonder where the time went. I have amazing memories so far and I am so looking forward to the ones to come. Love this girl with all my heart.

Happy New Year

This year Big Momma decided not to make any resolutions. What's the point? hehehehe I won't keep them. But we did ring in the New Year in NYC, at our friends house watching the ball drop on TV. There are way to many crazy people standing in the cold until Midnight it's sad. I'm down more weight :P Officially I have lost 140 pounds and I feel great. I have bought some clothes in a store instead of on line which I haven't done in forever. It feels good. I hope everyone was safe and had a great New Year. I wish you many blessings for this year of 2014.